We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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