I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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