I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
