She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
4 words: hood of his car
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
We smell like vodka and hangover
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