hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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