just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
