when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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