what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
