how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
