oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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