i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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