i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
