you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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