apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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