i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
50% drunk capacity currently
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
