Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
