I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
