He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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