Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
