If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
