you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
