Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
