i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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