What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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