Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
