i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
