If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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