I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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