if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
