Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
