Your dad touched me again.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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