I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
