I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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