worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
last night I used snow as a chaser
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
