She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
