I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I am naked and annoyed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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