You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
either way he was missing a nipple.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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