Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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