Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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