Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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