Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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