similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
