Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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