I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
