You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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