life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
