ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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