i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
