He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
