She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
